Ryan Gosling Ryan Reynolds
THE BASICS:[*]Full Name:
Wade Winston Wilson[*]Affiliation: Unaffiliated
. But Chuck, did you ever get my letter? I want to be an X-Man. =( I even added a dope picture of you with flamethrowers on your wheelchair. Please write back. Please?[*]Mutant Codename:
Chiyonosake ("The Wolf of the Rice Wine"), La Piscina del Muerte (My maid told me that's Deadpool in Spanish, but she also let my cat out into the street. So I don't trust her.), Green Lantern, Merc with a Mouth, Cinnamon Buns (Don't ask.), [redacted due to U.S. Government][*]Current Age:
44 (Well, most of me. I've picked up some new parts here and there, if you catch my drift.)[*]Date of Birth:
November 22, 1973[*]Birthplace:
The Ass-Crack of Canada[*]Immediate Family:
I had some parents once, but then they took an arrow to the knee. So yeah, the only family I have now is my awesome son, Todd.
Look how adorable he is. He has an army of rats, which is pretty much the most bad-ass power ever. You know I'm your real father, Todd! Look in your heart, son. WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?![*]Associates:
I hang with Justin Bieber and Avril Lavigne from time to time. Us Canadians have to stick together. I also love spending time with my good pal Bob, but he's disappeared on me. Hope he's not dead. Again. Oh, and I go on a lot of adventures with Spider-Man. We're tight. The old one. Not the new one. I'm not a pedophile.[*]Occupation:
Right now? Oh geez, well right now I'm just trying to get my Party Rentals business off the ground in Salem. I also do some DJing on the side if you want my business card. But in the past I've been a sumo wrestler, a soldier, Spider-Man, and oh yeah, a mercenary. But I promise my mercenary days are over. So please let me into the X-Men, Chuck. =([*]Gender:
Tacosexual. Alright, alright, I like boobs. But if those boobs happen to be dressed in a taco Halloween costume, I'm getting on one knee then and there.[*]Pronouns:
He/him/his/himself/hisself (if you're from Kentucky)[*]Ethnicity:
THE PHYSICAL SIDE:[*]Height:
6'1" (6'4" in heels)[*]Weight:
210 lbs. (Unless you just took me to Magic Wok. Then it's more like 225 lbs.)[*]Eyes:
Yes, I have eyes. Oh, color? Well as far as you know they're just giant white orbs on my mask. You don't want to see my actual eyes. Ew.[*]Hair:
I used to have this immaculate hair that'd make Zac Efron jealous. Now head pretty much resembles a baby's wrinkled ass.[*]Overall Appearance:
Somebody once described me as a "lovable prick with a heart of gold and a face of melted cheese." I don't remember who that was; it may have been my doctor. He also said I should probably lose a few pounds in the stomach area. Yeah, cause that'll kill me. But anywho, as you'd expect from someone whose face looks like Voldemort contracted leprosy, I don't like to show it off much. So unless you catch me right after a shower (-wink- ladies...), you'll usually find me wearing this bad-ass red and black mask I've made with pure white eyes that make me look like The Undertaker.
Wait, you want to know how I walk? What the hell is this--a dating app? Alright, fine. If you really want to know, I usually walk with a wedgie up my ass crack. This costume isn't the most comfortable thing in the world. It also really rides up into my ball sack, so that's why I walk with such good posture. It isn't that I just have naturally good posture. But when your tightey whiteys are trying to take the hobbits to Isengard, you kind of avoid slouching as much as possible. Oh, ffs? "Do you have a perpetual scowl or smile?" I'M WEARING A MASK WITH NO MOUTH!
WHO YOU REALLY ARE:[*]Personality:
I can be a bit of an annoying asshole. Why deny it when you'll find out anyways? But I think
I fall into that category of the cool asshole you find on the Internet who just uses his constant jokes and douchebaggery as a way to cover his own insecurities. Or something like that. I heard about that personality type on Oprah and it seemed to fit the bill. Or maybe that's another Ryan Reynolds character. I've certainly paid my dues--time after time. And bad mistakes--I'll admit that I've made a few. I'VE HAD MY SHARE OF SAND KICKED IN MY FACE, BUT IIIIII'VE COME THRRROOOOUGH! -ahem-
Where were we? Oh, right. I'm really a nice guy. Pinky promise. I'll even do that official British thing with the raised finger while drinking tea if that proves anything, Chuck. I'm a changed man.
I'm just a woman... Take Two: I'm just a man standing in front of a woman. Take Three:
I'm just a man standing in front of a man asking for a second chance.[*]Favorite Things:
Tacos, chimichangas, pretty much any food that makes me gassy,-wa How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days
, The Proposal
, National Lampoon's Van Wilder
, X-Men Movies (except Wolverine: Origins, may it burn in hell), any Nicholas Sparks movies, Oprah, um....did I mention my son, Todd? [*]Quirks:
I make this odd sound with my cheeks when I chew. Sorry.[*]Hobbies:
Gardening, Edward Scissorhands-style ice sculpting, DJing, loving kids. I love kids, Chuck. And I'm good with them, too. Just ask Todd.[*]Abilities/Skills:
Master martial artist, master swordsman,lo master assassin, a skilled linguist in Japanese, German, Spanish, Russian, Pashto, Urdu, Swahili, tongue-clicking, southern, and I've been taking some Klingon on the side.[*]Freestyle:
Wait, for real? You aren't kidding. You really want me to do this? -clears throat-Face full of scars,
Are you shining just for me?
Face full of scars,
There's so much that I can't....
Damn it, I really wish I were Ryan Gosling. He gets all the best gigs nowadays. You want some more information about me, though? I have this really neat teleportation thing-a-ma-bob that lets me teleport out of danger. Because in case you forgot....peligro es mi nombre medio. Actually....hold on a second.
-Deadpool is gone for fifteen seconds-
Nope. Can't teleport into Chuck's office to talk to him. Where were we? Oh yes. Random things about me to waste space so that it looks like my character is overly complex. I can pretty much use any weapon known to man. And if I don't know how to use it, I guarantee you I'll learn in a couple minutes. But I would never use guns. Nope, not anymore. That was bad Wade. I'm good Wade.
WHAT YOU CAN DO:[*]Regenerative Healing Factor[*]Basic Description:
Whoa, that sounds cool as shit, doesn't it? I guess I just never wrote it down. Anyways, I can pretty much heal any damage done to my body tissue. I don't mean to brag, but people tell me I'm much better at it than Logan. So.....Wade 1 - Logan 0.[*]Pros & Cons:
So what are the positives to this eligible bachelor's powers, ladies? Well, for one, I'm immune to any disease. So if you've got syphilis, gonorrhea, HPV, Avian bird flu, SARS, you name it, we're good to go. That doesn't mean I'm a walking bag of diseases that somehow don't affect me. They just--POOF!--disappear when faced with my kick-ass immune system. Oh, this also means I basically don't age. I'm like Sean Connery in The Last Crusade
. I found the fountain of youth and now I'll just keep my charming good looks forever. If I can ever find a way to restore those. Still working on that. The last bonus is that my brain cells regenerate so fast that, just like John Cena, physics can't see me! They'll try to tell you it's because I don't have a brain, but don't listen to them. I r smrt.
So what's the downside to being a god among men? Well besides having to live forever looking like Sloth from The Goonies
' understudy, this whole slow aging thing means I can't make as many lifetime human connections. It's really sad guys. Frown face for Wade. =( I met this really nice girl at the circus awhile back and we dated on and off for five years. She hated the fact that, while she aged, I looked the same. That might be because I never took off my mask. You know what? That's probably it. I'm sure if I showed her showed her Jason Voorhees behind door number one, she would have been all over this.
An added downside is that the constant flux in my brain means I'm prone to violent outbursts, and OH MY GOD, KENNY, WOULD YOU STOP MOVING THE FUCKING CAMERA WHILE I'M TRYING TO FUCKING FILM THIS! Sorry. Some people have also said I can be pretty annoying, but I just don't see that, do you?[*]Enhanced Physical Abilities[*]Basic Description:
So yeah, I'm awesome. The way my muscles generate, I could pretty much be a one-man Olympics team. I've got enhanced strength, stamina, agility, reflexes, you name it. I'm like a cat....on steroids.[*]Pros & Cons:
Right, right. I guess you want some limitations so that I don't come across as a Super Saiyan. Well guess what? THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST! Actually, that's not true. I don't know why I said that. I'm sorry. I do have some rad biceps muscles, and I've maxed out around 550 lbs. That means I can list most things that will ever need lifting, but I'll never be able to move your mom. OOOOOH! As far as my stamina goes, I can go a full six days before needing a break. -winks- Ladies. My agility and reflexes are pretty cool, but it's not like I'd be able to outrun a cheetah or anything. Or Usain Bolt. That man is just my idol.
WHERE YOU CAME FROM:[*]Character History
So I wasn't always like this. You see, I was born under unusual circumstances. While everyone else was aging, I was getting younger....all alone. That was just to make sure you're paying attention. I know I may look like pruny Benjamin Button, but that's not how my story begins! It's a lot cooler than the real version; not everything about me can be funny, guys. My dad was an alcoholic--not in the cool, Logan "the only reason I'm not an alcoholic is that it would take a literal tank of booze to get me drunk" way either. He kicked my ass a few times, until I got old enough to kick it back. Now my mom? I loved my mom. Or at least I think I did; can't really remember her face. She wouldn't want to remember mine. But she died of cancer before I really got the chance to know her. Once she passed, I didn't really have a reason to stay home. So I got involved with some gangs. And I mean real gangs--not those West Side Story
wannabes. We'd go out every night and practice our dance moves for the school musical. Alright, alright, maybe we were more like the West Side Story
gangs! One night my dad tried to drag me back home, so one of my friends stole his gun and shot him. Simple as that. Let's not talk any more about him.
I had no reason to stay in Podunk, Canada, so I joined the military. I was good at that. But why do something you're good at for free, am I right? So I started taking mercenary jobs, traveling the world from Sydney to Casablanca in pursuit of that mighty dollar. I was like O'Ren Ishii in that bad-ass animated scene from Kill Bill
. Except no one tried to rape me. Or at least I hope they didn't; I may have repressed those memories.
Anywho, to make a long story short, the cancer fairy came fluttering back into my life. Hooray. I tried to settle down and live out the rest of my days, but the good ol' Canadian government came calling. As every true-blooded, libertarian, government-damning hipster Canadian, I told them to go screw themselves and find another subject for their sick experiments. Then they offered to get rid of my cancer, so I started wearing Canadian flag boxers and drinking maple syrup from the bottle. I never said I was loyal to my values.
They treated the cancer by sticking a needle with Logan's blood in my ass cheeks. Alright, that's not technically how it happened, but the thought of rubbing my ass all over Logan when he can't do anything to stop it just makes me laugh. Have I mentioned I'm a changed man? The healing factor had a nice bonus: it enhanced my mercenary abilities. I worked for this Weapon X program for awhile, thinking I owed them something. But it turns out I didn't owe them shit. They were just using me for their sick experiments. One of those bastards, Ajax, finally decided he'd had enough of me and ripped out my heart. That would have stopped most men, but he forgot one simple thing......I CAN REGROW MY HEART! BOO YAH! High five! No? Ok.
Unfortunately my departure from Weapon X left me without any hope of fully repairing my body. So since then I've donned this sexy red suit and rented myself out to the highest buyer. I've worked for Kingpin. I've worked for the Dalai Lama. I may have even worked for Kim Jong Il. But that was at a very low time in my life. The reason I'm making this video for you guys today is to try and prove that all this is in the past. Wade Wilson is a changed man. And I'm ready to leave the life of crime behind permanently and do some good.
Actually, I have no idea if anything I said is true. They kind of screwed with my memories, you know? But it's a cool story, right?
Did we get all that?"Um,"
a man in the background waited for Deadpool to finish before interrupting. "There aren't any cameras here. What are you doing at our son's bar mitzvah?"
Deadpool looked around confused. "Ah, shit. I came to the wrong address. Alright, ignore everything you just heard. Or else I might have to come back and kill you."
He waited a few seconds before laughing aloud. "Just messing with you! I don't do that anymore. Mazel tov!"
Deadpool walked out of the room, leaving the reader incredibly confused as to what on earth just happened.
PERSON BEHIND THE CHARACTER:[*]Player Alias:
CST (-6 GMT)[*]Contact Info:
PM would be best![*]Your Characters:
Equinox[*]How Did You Find Us?:
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